More like the era of smoking, really. Like back in the days when a phone was something you had to drive several miles to find. And you needed a dime to get it to work.
No, I don’t smoke. But it reminds me of years ago because when I was young, everybody did. Everywhere. They used to have smoking rooms in hospitals, for the love of taco sauce. Smoking was cool.
If only it wasn’t a deadly, smelly habit.
If I was ever given the power to write an original movie screenplay using any comic book characters I wanted, I would write one about the Penguin. I know, you’re wondering, “of all the characters in all of comic-bookdom, you choose the Penguin?” Of course.
The main reason is simple: nobody’s thought of doing it before. And the reason nobody’s thought of doing it before is simple: I’m smarter than everybody else. But the reason you are probably skeptical of a movie about the Penguin is because you don’t understand how a movie about the Penguin is about as realistic a movie as you can make.
First of all, let’s look at who the Penguin is: a psychopath who is little more than Bruce Wayne if Bruce Wayne didn’t have a morality. The parallels in the characters of the Batman and the Penguin are so similar I can’t help but wonder if they have hidden something in plain site for years. And since the Penguin is a psychopath, it’s really not difficult to make a convincing character just from what a psychopath is.
It should be understood that just because one is a psychopath that it doesn’t mean that you wear immaculate suits, have sex with everybody you meet, and kill people to get ahead in business. That could happen, but unless you’re a comic book character (or work for Goldman Sachs) I don’t think there’s much to fear from most people.
But the Penguin does kill people. And he does wear some pretty expensive spats. And he fancies himself a lady’s man. Sound like a psychopath? Of course. Now all we need is…reality.
In my realization of the Penguin, you don’t need a Batman. You don’t need a Gotham City. Honestly, you don’t even need a guy with webbed hands and feet abandoned by his rich parents. All you need is, well, a psychopath. A psychopath who read far too many comic books growing up.
Imagine a normal city–like Austin, Texas or Kansas City, Missouri. Then imagine the entire police force on high alert because of terrorist activities. Then reveal that the city is being controlled by the criminal network set up by a cunning, ruthless mastermind: the Penguin.
Then cut to real cops talking about a blank-blanking criminal blank-blank-blanking calling himself the blanking Penguin? Blank me! This is blank. And the Penguin won’t leave the city alone until they produce the Batman.
Yeah…the Batman. The thing that doesn’t exist. Because, you know, he’s a comic book character. And so is the Penguin, yet there’s some dude in a recorded video wearing a suit and has a monocle and spats and keeps laughing with this creepy waah-waaah-waaaaaaah sort of laugh.
That’s the premise. I think the fun would be the people working to make the insanity of the situation line up with the reality that a guy can call himself the Penguin and honestly really be the Penguin.
I used GarageBand today. It was like working with an old friend for the first time in five years. It was odd.
First of all, GargageBand has changed so much over the years. Grown up from those wistful years of the mid-00s. Back then there wasn’t nearly as much fake wood. Now GarageBand is chock full of simulated wood-looking textures.
Most of the rest of it is exactly the same. Just more wood. A thick covering of something that is obviously not what it is.
It makes me wonder, though. Just how much have I changed since 2006? How much of my outside is different now? I’m still the same on the inside.
Mind you, not nearly as fast or as nimble, though. But I still have all the knowledge from back then, plus the experience from right now. The loss of that physical prowess is lessened by the strength of my experiences. Also, I’ve hidden enough weapons in this house that if any of those whippersnappers come trying to get me THEY’LL be the ones carted out in a body bag!
That’s the plan, anyway.
Another plan is getting some stuff recorded, encoded, packaged, and put up use on the Internet. It’s that podcast I keep reminding you that I keep not doing.
Sometimes your dreams die.
Sometimes your plans fail.
Sometimes you get thrown off that horse.
Unlike those inspirational posters with cute animals encouraging us to remain positive, not everybody that falls off that horse gets back up again.
Earlier tonight, I failed at something. Not something trivial, mind you. But not something that terribly important.
If it were some other day, it would be like water off a duck’s back. But it is not some other day. It is today. Today was a crushing defeat.
That’s one of the reasons old people welcome death. They get tired of having to fight for each new breath. They miss the people they will never see again. They remember when they once could, but now they can’t.
My plan failed.
A dream died.
Let’s see if I can get back on that horse again.
Or the quarter, anyways. I’m not even sure how things work since they started messing with Daylight Savings Time. It used to happen a couple of times a year.
Regardless, I love the fact that this day exists. Or I hate this day exists. One of those.
Gives me something to write about, anyways.
For further reading see also:
Two people are talking in a home office. They are drinking slave–labor coffees with enough sugar and cream to qualify as ‘ice cream’. This is their argument:
She: Weren’t you supposed to write something today?
He: What? Now?
She: Yes, now.
He: I was just being polemic. Not like anybody reads this thing.
She: You told me you were a blogging superstar?
He: Yessss. That’s true. But part of being a blogging superstar—or any kind of superstar—is never having to make any sense whatsoever. I could write nothing but poems devoted to kittens and have a sizable income.
She: You said you were gonna write something witty every day.
He: “Brilliant.”
She: Yes, I thought so too. You have some great thoughts on how to motivate yourself.
He: No, no. “Brilliant.”
She: Fine. You have some brilliant thoughts on how to—
He: No, no—brilliant. As in, “write something brilliant every day.”
She: Right. Right. You really watch a lot of BBC America, don’t you?
He: I have no idea what’s wrong with watching every single episode of Doctor Who. Seems like a perfectly logical thing for anyone to do. It’s like my duty as an ambassador. To time–traveling aliens. With funny accents.
She: Regrets…
He: But I wasn’t using it like that. Not like the English–speaking–people ‘brilliant’. Like the American–speaking–people ‘brilliant’.
She: What was your IQ again?
He: Lots.
She: Uh.
He: I was going to write many, many things that were smart, and witty, and made people think. Like that guy who wrote that book about things that did the other thing.
She: Seth Godin.
He: Yeah, him.
She: I don’t know if I should be happy that I figured out what you were talking about.
He: Yeah, like him. It’s not working out that way so far.
She: So, what are you writing so far?
He: Mostly recipes. Pictures of cats. Pictures of cats getting in the way while I’m trying to finish my recipe.
She: I’m looking at the site, and I don’t see those things.
He: Lies! Lies from the pit of the liberal media! Get thee behind me Erin Burnet! Or Shepherd Smith! Or Wolfgang Blitzer! You can’t brainwash me like those people who watch that Sean Hanndy! I won’t stand for your liberal lying lies that—oh, hey, I guess I didn’t publish those.
She: Do you really think about things before you say them?
He: Why?
She: Just wondering.
He: I think.
She: Hmm.
He: About things.
She: Mmhmm.
He: I do.
She: And you want to be a fountain of knowledge.
He: I am. I am totally a fountain. But it’s better than knowledge. It’s smartness.
She: Wow.
He: Yep. Feel it!
She: Please don’t do that. Did you know that women judge men by their potential to be good protectors of their children? Constantly making sure that they aren’t making a horrible, horrible mistake?
He: Yes. Am I doing well?
She: Not at the moment.
He: Didn’t figure.
END SCENE 1
The biggest pet peeve I have in this world is when there’s no way to avoid the default. What I mean is, I want to be able to not have to deal with pre–loaded content. I don’t want training wheels for anything I do.
Tutorials are fine. Tutorials teach you how to do things with the thing your are doing the thing about or with or for or at. However, tutorials are going to teach you how to do the thing to/at/with/for the thing—not give you something you’ll just end up deleting. Or worse…
When I first installed WordPress on this site, I did something out of anger. Probably not the wisest thing to do (considering it wouldn’t do much anyway). But after installing WordPress on dozens of sites, there’s one thing that always annoys me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Click to embiggen the picture:
Futile gesture at that point. I just wish they didn’t stick that in there. If there was one thing I would advise people who make software to do it would be this: give users the ability to take off the training wheels.
For some reason, people think they can get into shape by going to the gym. Do you want to know what the best way is to lose weight? Stop eating so much.
It’s a basic law of supply and demand. If you lower the amount that is in the supply, you’ll lower the amount that is saved (in the form of body fat). But people continue to buy into the idea of putting their faith in a new “miracle diet”. Sad, really.
I made the resolution to make a few podcasts this year. I will. Maybe not as many as I wanted to, but it’s not because I’ve already blown the resolution. It’s because I spent over an hour trying to figure out what to call the silly thing. Following through with this one is problematic. It is still untitled.
Another resolution was to write every day. That didn’t exactly happen on Saturday. Or Sunday. But I already told you that there’s absolutely no reason to worry about posting daily. It doesn’t make me feel better about missing out on imparting my wisdom to the masses.
*Checks WordPress Stats*
*Cries*
*Warms comfort food in microwave*
Say, did I tell you about wanting to follow the great American dream of punching my boss in the face becoming my own boss? Writing: the job of all responsible drunks!™ And me. Responsible alcoholics and me–great combination there.
Actually, more has happened for the drunkards. Still working on my first 30,000 word masterpiece. So far—I have a title. A working title. A probable working title that really needs work.
*Cries*
*Warms more comfort food in microwave*
Not really burning up the notecards. Or plotting. Or character development. In fact, I think I’m up to…30,000 words to go! Joy! Practically ready for the agent.
*Cries*
*Eats comfort food still half—frozen*
Wandering around my house tonight, I was thinking about how I haven’t written a post today. Yesterday I almost didn’t write anything at all. It looked like that was going to happen tonight.
Then I started thinking about how I shouldn’t feel bad about it. That’s when I realized I was figuring out a system of triage (if you will) for taking a day off from the blogging. It goes like this:
I’ve heard everybody should take everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes you’ll go on a binge creative streak. Other times you’ll be eating a gallon of ice cream or pint of scotch trying to come up with something usable. There’s times when the creativity flows while other times it does not come easily.
One of the things I resolved to do this year was to write something brilliant just about every day. I know that won’t happen. But I do know that I’ll follow my own advice and write as much as I can—or not. The goal is to keep my not–writing to a minimum.
As any recent installer of WordPress should know, along with the blogging software there comes a beautiful, semantic theme full of all sorts of widget–y goodness. The latest theme is called ‘Twenty Eleven’. I don’t use that theme here, because I make my own.
The amazingly–uninspiredly–named Twenty Eleven has all the tools you need for a fully–functioning website. It also contains everything that you don’t need for a fully–functioning website. It’s like the Death Star in Return of the Jedi, only with a bunch of stuff they didn’t really need (like the Death Star in A New Hope)
For the past four years I’ve used a temporary theme. It was supposed to be a temporary theme, I suppose. It was just until I got something working that was much better. I worked on a couple of minor changes over the years, but I never went full–bore into another theme. Havok has been the only theme I’ve used since I acquired d3ft.com back in 2009.
The main reason I stopped working on the new theme was other projects, real life, and changing my priorities for the site. One version was built that had comments, three columns, and was running Movable Type. It lasted all of one month before returning to how it looks now. If you know what you’re doing, you could tell this is actually version 2.5 of Havok.
I also wanted to add it to the WordPress codex, but never got the energy to create two versions (with all the blow–upable extras like the prison cells and vents that go all the way to the core of a small–moon–sized that really should have a cover or something don’t you think?). But they have some ridiculous requirements to get it in, including licensing and making it Widget–friendly and able to use Gravatar in comments. Hard to make the Gravatars show up when you don’t have comments.
As I continue to revamp the site (remember the progressive enhancement?), the biggest time–sink is just making all my goals fit in the theme. I’m not even sure I’ll ever finish it. But, in a real and serious way, that’s really going to be important for the site in the future.
Back in 2005. Also in 2006. I don’t think I’ve ever written something so 2000s before as “I used to podcast.” But there it is–I just wrote it.
My podcasting bore mixed results. There was lots of sighing, not so much editing. Some of it was really funny. Other parts were awful. And I don’t mean ‘awfully funny’.
Alright, most of is was awful. But that was my shtick. Whining. I was a good whiner back in those days. We had so much to whine about back then, not like today.
These days, other than more wars, economics, disease, poverty, injustice, terrorists, violent protesters, corporate greed, and poor reception by AT&T phones, what is there to complain about?
Look for me to start podcasting in 2012. There will probably be just as much sighing and just as much editing as I did in 2005. But it can’t be much worse.
The challenge is 52 podcasts this year. Most likely on Monday, but who knows when I’ll get the thing done?
You should expect something brilliant to be written here, fairly–well every day. Because that’s something that’s going to happen. Or it won’t. Here’s why.
Professional writing is a difficult field, as one would rightfully imagine. Good thing I’m not getting paid, huh? Sigh.
Monday I spoke of writing something brilliant every day (or so). That was less telling you what to expect, and more of forcing me to have to be creative. By using you, the audience, as my witness, I keep myself accountable to the task. Write something brilliant today.
The etymology of the phrase ‘something brilliant’ in the d3ft.com usage means that I am to come up with some bit of information that my intended audience will find useful. The problem with telling you this now is that I have so very far to go to explain the explanation. It takes a while to set all this up.
As I was trying to figure out how to explain how I got to the point of having to come up with something rather brilliant every day, I realized I couldn’t really do that in one sitting. Nor in several, after I thought about it a while. Not that I couldn’t churn out a 10,000 epic blog post of such quality and veracity that it’d make your brain spin, but that it would take so much time to write that I would likely never get anyone to read the darn thing.
So I’m adopting a more progressively–enhanced approach. Instead of being like the man who decided to run a marathon on January 1, I’m going to research running techniques while I start working on my physical fitness. Continuing the allegory, if I’m able to ever run 26 miles, it will only be after I find out if my feet can handle the pounding, my heart can survive the endurance, and my body is ready for all that work. Much like I’m not ready to run the allegorical marathon, I’m just not ready to replace C.S. Lewis as an author.
Yet.
This could happen, however. If, of course, I get better as a writer. If I have the ability to ever get to that point. If that is something I am even capable of doing. I might not be capable of it.
There’s the point. For the next…rest of my life, I’ll be working at constantly writing smart things that are provocative and challenging. Things that inspire and confuse. It is my goal to be that guy who writes things that help people; brilliant things.
2006 was the last time I kept a regular schedule for writing amazing things. Back then, I actually did write amazing things. That I can even write, “I actually did write amazing things” reminds me just how I’ve stopped writing amazing things.
What I mean by ‘amazing things’ are those things that are sudden moments of clarity. There’s a fancy word for this: epiphany. When I was doing well, I brought those daily. Multiple times daily. Multi–epiphany.
Now, not so much.
It is far beyond time to get back on track. Time to get back to writing on this here Internet. But mostly, time to stop hogging all these great ideas for myself. Really, what I look forward to do is threefold:
1. Write something brilliant every day (or so)
2. Return to podcasting
3. Write that book clanging around in my head since 2006
Those things needs some clarification. Good thing I have the rest of my life to make that happen, huh?
Back in October I warned you people, something was happening here. It just took me getting another one of those epiphanies to figure it out.
There’s an old adage, “If you have to explain the joke, it isn’t funny.” Sometimes I forget that with my audience. Case in point, this here Twittering:
Happy 2011S everybody
— d3ft punk (@yeouch) December 31, 2011
It’s an iPhone joke. Like the iPhone 4S? It’s like 2010GS!
Don’t think too hard about it.
Kim Jong-il? He’s darn well dead!Can’t believe I haven’t seen that joke a dozen times already.
— d3ft punk (@yeouch) December 20, 2011
I’m truly very, very sorry for any harm I’ve caused to anyone because of the severity of this joke at the expense of Our Dear Leader.1
Best book I ever read? The one that shows you how to survive bear attacks and airplane crashes. No Wait! The Bible! *IS THROWN INTO RAVINE*
— d3ft punk (@yeouch) November 17, 2011
Combining my great love of the Lord and my childlike infatuation with a movie I wasn’t old enough to watch without parental supervision.
And in case you were wondering:
The war is over. Apple won.
So they opened a new @MicrosoftStore with a live DJ and this happened #fullyvetted twitter.com/yeouch/status/…
— d3ft punk (@yeouch) November 18, 2011
For those of you who don’t believe the war is over, just ask your local chapter of Civil War re-enactors. Some people still believe Elvis is alive.
Thanks to all you young soldiers, you keep us old–timers safe.
Godspeed, and GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!
This starts out so well…
@loswhit sold one copy already
— d3ft punk (@yeouch) November 8, 2011
Then this happens…
@loswhit I want a refund on that book I just bought
— d3ft punk (@yeouch) November 8, 2011
A couple of years ago I ranted about the naming conventions of Mac OS X. The point being that it was difficult to keep track of all the various iterations if you couldn’t figure some relationship other than “big cats”. The cats don’t go from small to big, and the only similar ones are the 10.5 to 10.6 naming of Leopard to Snow Leopard.
It bugged me. For years. So much so that I refuse to call Mac OS X by its cat-code-name. But my frustration is going to go away, soon, as Mac OS X slowly fades away.
I’m making this bold, peculiar prediction: by 2013, Apple computers will be sold without mentioning the operating system.
It’s not like they don’t do it now with iPhones and iPads. Heck, I’ve seen more of the iOS interface in advertisements since 2007 than I’ve seen of the Mac OS X interface…ever. Not a stretch of the imagination to think that Apple is going to just give up on trying to beat Windows, pretty much like they should have in 1993.
August 17, 2011
Since its launch in November 2007, Android has not only dramatically increased consumer choice but also improved the entire mobile experience for users. Today, more than 150 million Android devices have been activated worldwide—with over 550,000 devices now lit up every day—through a network of about 39 manufacturers and 231 carriers in 123 countries. Given Android’s phenomenal success, we are always looking for new ways to supercharge the Android ecosystem. That is why I am so excited today to announce that we have agreed to acquire Motorola.
July 27, 2011
If search engine referrals mean anything, it’s that people want to modify their Google+ experience. I found some tools to do that for Chrome from day one (even though one of them had only been installed by six people to that point). It took a bit longer to get started, but now the Firefox folks are going to have some toys to play with while perusing Google+.
This script is nice. It adds unread counts of your Gmail and Reader for maximum ADD effect.
Hide G+ notification box in all Google sites except Google+
This is Google+ Enhancer’s arch-nemesis. It removes the notification box to minimize ADD effect.
For you knuckleheads who added 2,000 people but only want to hear from three, this is the script for you. Sends you to your friends circle first instead of your stream. Seems to only work for Chrome now.
For Mac users, it adds Growl notifications for Google+.
Does a ton of things, including hiding muted posts, zooming images, and changing the design to make more fit on the page.
Google+ Notifications in Page Title
For people who want to see notifications like those on Facebook or Twitter.
Makes them go away until you want them.
Binds even more keys so they’re usable as shortcuts for common tasks.
Some of you are laughing hysterically. Others of you are completely clueless. It’s just an inside joke.
I should add, if you’re using Chrome, all these will work (well, install anyways). But one thing to keep them all working well is Tampermonkey. Much more control of your UserScripts with that.
After a weekend with Google+ (no, I can’t get you in), I’m loving the interface. It is missing some of the bells and whistles of Facebook, and the sophistication of Twitter. That’s the selling point. Here’s some extensions to add to Chrome to make your experience even better.
Here’s some of the best Google+ Chrome extensions.
This is the best plugin you can add for Google+. Adds some neat features that are not for everyone, including a tone that lets you know about new notifications, and adds new sharing options. Also fixes other things in the interface.
I would not be surprised if Google takes all the features of this thing and adds them to Google+.
Predictably zooms photos so you can see what they look like full-size.
Adds a sound every time you click a +1 button.
For you addictive personalities out there, something to shut off the madness. I have a habit of becoming too interested in things. Sometimes I just need to not pay attention to things. This removes the distraction.
Takes the already clean Google+ interface and polishes it even more.
Something I’m trying on the site is a new method for navigating the posts. Not that I’m killing the WordPress posting interface with all my work, but I do have a few posts from the past couple of years. Navigating all those posts is a potential chore.
But not here. Not if you have a modern browser, JavaScript, and a ‘J’ and a ‘K’ key.
I threw some hackery together last night and added the ability to go backwards and forwards in posts and archives just using those two key. It’s most useful if you’re trying to keep up with my torrid pace. Or if you’re trying to find something written a while ago, you just don’t remember how far back.
It’s nothing special, code-wise. You could get better plugins from the WordPress repository. Give it try, though. I’m sure you’ll like it.
Helvetireader is, still, the best UserScript ever made. It isn’t being updated any more, but there won’t be a need much longer. It was Jon Hick’s attempt at a more usable, minimal interface to Google Reader.
I’m a huge fan of Google Reader, of minimalism, and of combining those two things wherever possible. It made me sad to see him move on to things that didn’t break every other week (as Google had a habit of changing the code every 15 seconds it seemed like). But it made me happy that at least Helvetireader would work most of the time.
Maybe.
If you caught it at the right time.
And you held your head just so.
Today, I got a look at the new Gmail interface over at their blog. And much like the new search on their home page and the new…well…everything else on Google, I like what I see. Still a bit boxen, but it all looks much better with the Google+ inspiration.
It makes me wonder, though — why did it take them over 10 years to figure out people like nice-looking things?
June 29, 2011
After poking around in some of its not-all-the-way working things on iCloud, I found a couple of things that I did not expect. And for reference, I have one Mac running iTunes and an iPhone 3GS.
1. When they say you can re-download any of your purchased music, they mean only purchased music. If you got a redemption code for music, you won’t be included in the re-downloading.
2. Apps, free or purchased, can be re-downloaded. This is also a quick way to free up space on your iPod/iPhone/iPad.
3. Obsolete apps or apps you deleted are in the iCloud. Expect to have a list much longer than what you expect. Apple kept a list of everything you ever bought, even if you deleted it off every one of your iDevices.
4. Instapaper Free isn’t in the iCloud. It’s not surprising, but it shows that if you bought something that got pulled, Apple respects the developer rather than the purchaser. Not that one or the other is the right thing to do, but as long as I still have a pulled app on a hard drive somewhere, I’ll still have the app.
5. Other apps that have been pulled are in the iCloud. Including banned ones.
Today somebody told me that, after my dinner I should go and read a book on a front–porch swing. It didn’t even have to be mine. Just enjoy the night.
While trespassing.
Couldn’t have happened on a better day.
Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th.1 Yes, I’m breaking weeks–long silence to talk about this again.
