This Conversation Did Not Happen
Two people are talking in a home office. They are drinking slave–labor coffees with enough sugar and cream to qualify as ‘ice cream’. This is their argument:
She: Weren’t you supposed to write something today?
He: What? Now?
She: Yes, now.
He: I was just being polemic. Not like anybody reads this thing.
She: You told me you were a blogging superstar?
He: Yessss. That’s true. But part of being a blogging superstar—or any kind of superstar—is never having to make any sense whatsoever. I could write nothing but poems devoted to kittens and have a sizable income.
She: You said you were gonna write something witty every day.
He: “Brilliant.”
She: Yes, I thought so too. You have some great thoughts on how to motivate yourself.
He: No, no. “Brilliant.”
She: Fine. You have some brilliant thoughts on how to—
He: No, no—brilliant. As in, “write something brilliant every day.”
She: Right. Right. You really watch a lot of BBC America, don’t you?
He: I have no idea what’s wrong with watching every single episode of Doctor Who. Seems like a perfectly logical thing for anyone to do. It’s like my duty as an ambassador. To time–traveling aliens. With funny accents.
She: Regrets…
He: But I wasn’t using it like that. Not like the English–speaking–people ‘brilliant’. Like the American–speaking–people ‘brilliant’.
She: What was your IQ again?
He: Lots.
She: Uh.
He: I was going to write many, many things that were smart, and witty, and made people think. Like that guy who wrote that book about things that did the other thing.
She: Seth Godin.
He: Yeah, him.
She: I don’t know if I should be happy that I figured out what you were talking about.
He: Yeah, like him. It’s not working out that way so far.
She: So, what are you writing so far?
He: Mostly recipes. Pictures of cats. Pictures of cats getting in the way while I’m trying to finish my recipe.
She: I’m looking at the site, and I don’t see those things.
He: Lies! Lies from the pit of the liberal media! Get thee behind me Erin Burnet! Or Shepherd Smith! Or Wolfgang Blitzer! You can’t brainwash me like those people who watch that Sean Hanndy! I won’t stand for your liberal lying lies that—oh, hey, I guess I didn’t publish those.
She: Do you really think about things before you say them?
He: Why?
She: Just wondering.
He: I think.
She: Hmm.
He: About things.
She: Mmhmm.
He: I do.
She: And you want to be a fountain of knowledge.
He: I am. I am totally a fountain. But it’s better than knowledge. It’s smartness.
She: Wow.
He: Yep. Feel it!
She: Please don’t do that. Did you know that women judge men by their potential to be good protectors of their children? Constantly making sure that they aren’t making a horrible, horrible mistake?
He: Yes. Am I doing well?
She: Not at the moment.
He: Didn’t figure.
END SCENE 1