Russian Mail–Order Brides
Or, How to Use a Salacious Title to Explain Sane Purchasing Decisions for Computer Users
Years ago, as I was helping a fellow of mine get over his painful divorce, I suggested we use this newfound search engine, ”The Google”, to search for something of an urban legend. To get over his previous nuptial failure, we would find him a Russian mail–order bride. Needless to say, after looking through the first 20 sites that offered women, we decided that even the idea was too creepy for our limited experience.
It turns out that mail–order brides are less smarmy than I remembered (from the cheesy, 90s sites), and far more plenteous than I knew (if Wikipedia is to be believed). Remembering the faces of those women, the circumstances that led them to offer themselves, and just how one–sided the whole thing was upset me back then. However, it helps me understand the relationship people need to have with the hardware they are spending money on, and how the whole thing is getting ridiculous.
In 1996, I got my first Macintosh. Since then, I’ve only bought computers from Apple. My latest electronic device was an iPhone. I have made that company a bit of money. Not a lot, but every bit helps, right?
As I started working with other people, looking at their needs, I kept coming back to something that bothered me; Apple makes their electronics and their computers too well. While typing this on a now–completely–by–their–standards obsolete computer (Power Mac G5), I couldn’t rationally suggest to anyone that they buy something that will be completely obsolete in five years, yet completely functional. My computer works just fine, it’s just that Apple doesn’t support it anymore.1
That was a strange feeling, that day. The day I realized that there was no way I would ever wear a new computer out again. By the time it becomes obsolete, it still does everything I could hope to do with it. Yet, with the constant advance of technology, to run any of the ‘latest and greatest,’ I need some new processor, or some animal–themed operating system.2
This trope—the Russian mail–order bride—is how I now explain to people how they should treat that wonder, awesome, incredible new gadget they hold in their hands. It is something that will be forgotten in two years, something that will be sold or trashed long before its usefulness is at end. While you may think you will love it forever, it is best to understand that you will pay money to have somebody get rid of it in a few years’ time.
If you think I’m being harsh, why would companies advertise that they will recycle your old hardware—for free? Because you are willing to pay somebody else to get rid of your trash, that’s why. That is the harsh, speedy advance of technology. Keep up, or be drowned.
We should realize that whatever you hold in your hands is going to be worthless in 24 months, so be careful. There will be a separation, and it will cost you money. The good time you’re paying for today will seem like a complete waste of money when you can see what you can get, now.
But now is when you care. You have to have the delicious arm candy that only a smartphone provides. You have to be able to show off countless frames per second. You have to win at processor speed.
So don’t get caught up on sentimentality. Don’t burn the sails. Plan now how to get rid of the eventual junk heap you now call your precious. If you don’t, you’ll be the one paying.3
A note on reality
That people should treat their hardware with a bit of harshness, of course, is my technological allusion. The urban legend says that either they are cunning women, only wanting some rich man to wed for citizenship, money, divorce, and settlement (in that order), or underage girls sold into a world of slavery and murder. I would never suggest the way we treat humans be the way we treat machines.
The sad realities of how one becomes a slave, however you want to sugar–coat the title, is heart–breaking. The level of destitution in some people’s lives amazes me. Yet, I sit in utter amazement as people fawn over some new gadget, while people on the other side of the planet—or even the other side of the tracks—starve.
It was the realization—that people are worth more than machines—that led me to this way of thinking. It also led me to put my money towards things that really matter for other people. That is now what I encourage other people to do, as well.
- Officially, anyways. Or cheaply. ↩
- Or Linux. But that’s a completely different argument. ↩
- Of course I realize you’ll be paying either ways. Stop being so literal. ↩

